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March 17th, 2008


 I have to be strong 
i cant let people see my pain
 i have to please my friends and listen to there needs and help others
i need to help take care of my family
i cant show emotion

Inside i feel abliterated, i feel like this person above but i know it will end up killing me in the long run. I just dont know what to do anymore, whenever people ask if im ok i am for the most part because i never know what to say, but when im alone i remember my dad i remember the hurt im going through and all the pain that im holding inside. i just want to go somewhere where i can scream and no one around can hear me .



If only i could take away all you pain, all your depression, it's like your dying inside and i cant loss another parent.  You face is so full of death and silence wen you come home, your frail body can barely move across the carpet to your only vacation spot your room.  If only i could take care of you like you have me for 19 years, these past few years have been harder then people think and we dont let them know, i only wish i could do more.  I hate feeling like i cant do anymore because i know i cant.  Everytime i see you i miss him more, he didnt leave us wanting you to be depressed and not being able to stand the next morning after you but your heavy head to rest at night.  I know if he could have he would have stayed.  You've done everything you can for me and Zach, even though we are more like sisters and i hate it sometimes and we have our differences i will always love you Mom.  Tonight just watching you freak out saying you cant do it anymore you just want out you just want someone to take care of you and you dont know how much longer you can do this brought us both to tears. I know i do as much as i can you always tell me that, but i will more one day, one day i will take care of you. I cant describe all the pain and crap thats going on in life right now, but i do know that we have to be strong, you can get through this ,you and dad taught me never to give up, never to change for anyone, never show your pain or give into it. You can do it. Your a strong, beautiful, amazing, women ask anyone who knows you. You boss is a jerk and thats that. I love you so much mom.

December 12th, 2007



I really just want to scream and rip my hair out and cry like crazy!!!! I havent been this sad and depressed in along time. Im so confused and i dont know what to do or what im thinking about, my mind is like a huge gray cloud hovering over everything ready to explode with lightening and thunder and rain. I just want the one person who can understand everything about me and hes dead my dad. I just dont know whats going on around me, im so lost!

November 17th, 2007


So this is my first real entry and i just need to vent, whoever reads this may think of me as stupid but this is me in writing... I cant go a day without thinking of him and wanting to see how hes doing. i try and stay strong and not show that i still love him. My friends dont really like him nor does my mom because he broke my heart but what true freinds and family wouldnt do that? Everyday i think i can wait for him like he wanted me to but he confused more then a tornado in my head. He dosent know what he wants hes in the marines and i cant help but love him. i dont know why i do honestly but i do with all my heart even though he breaks it without notice all the time. i told him i was trying to fall out of love with him and he says ok he dosent defend himelf or anything he never says his feelings so i keep thinking he will cahnge his mind which makes me seem desperate and im not i never have been ive been without a guy in my life since my dad died and i never wanted to get married after that until i meet this guy. He has my heart and he hurts it and comes back like nothing ever happened. Does he not understand what hes doing to me? Does he not realize that my words are true? Or is it since every time i want to give it another try he dosent and when i give up on him he does and wont leave me alone, does that just mean that we will be playing cat and mouse forever. He wants to chase and i want to be found and settle and try and make it work not let go when i get it. People tell me that i need to just stop talking to him but i cant imagine him not in my life somehow. It hurts more then everything ive ever felt even more then my dad dying which i didnt think was possible but i knew my dad was ok and better but im so confused here, i know that i may not be the prettiest or skinnest or wildest  girl out there but i deserve to be treated better like im worth there time and they want to call me and see me its just when im so done he calls or texts he understands me but it hurts to talk to him. Does he fell any emotions? why cant he just tell me that? im waiting for a guy to find me but i cant help falling in love i try to get out of it but it sticks for some reason and i cant shake it. I know i needto get over him and im in the prosses and this is one step to that...admiting it on paper or text and not just saying it. so thats my confusded situation that i hate being in right now. thank you for reading.

November 9th, 2007


Well i'm new to this so im just writing to put a journal entry out there. Well i will be back later to write about my life lol ttyl.
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